“I used to wear a mask, like the one Jim had to carry
Scared of showing my true face to every tom dick and harry
It was the only way I could survive and save my face
And stop predators and hunters from invading my space
It was only in my poetry that I could keep it real
Only when I was on stage that I could show how I feel
Also when I chose to pray searching for the words to say
To them who eyes can’t see like every single day”

The Mask (unreleased track from yours sincerely)

I can’t speak for anyone else but I come from a broken home that was dysfunctional. I have gone into details in blogs before so I won’t do it now but to put it plainly I have seen some twisted things that will make you say more than mmmmmmmm. I have often asked myself the question “what are the subconscious effects of the craziness I’ve gone through?”

If you’ve been through a traumatic experience that hasn’t been properly faced up to and dealt with, it doesn’t really go away by wishing it away or suppressing it in your mind. In fact like a child that refuses to keep quiet when told to hush, the issue seeks your attention and finds expression in one way or another until it is dealt with.

We live in a society that demands conformity in order for us to get on with living. You learn the norms, rules of engagement and protocol soon enough. You learn you have to be “politically correct” in order to move along socially. A lot of us end up repressed because of things we would love to express but due to fear or maybe more accurately because we’re just trying to survive and get on with living, we hold them in. I guess this is one of the reasons social networking has blown up so much. Many express thoughts into cyberspace through status updates, blogs and tweets that would have either been tucked away in our minds or shared only in a private journal. Now you can tweet it to “followers” who you might never meet hiding behind an alias, avatar or just behind your computer screen. It was Ralph Emerson Waldo that said “Society is a masked ball, where every one hides his real character, and reveals it by hiding”

I now know why I tweet a lot, write a lot and why music and poetry is my thing. It is because I have been repressed in my life. People see me and think “wow he’s so expressive” but only close folks know that in private I can be very quiet and very thoughtful. I have always said music is like cheap therapy and what becomes my “therapy sessions” i.e. studio sessions give birth to the songs you hear and may or may not like.

I also now know why musicians, artists, preachers are held in such high esteem. They speak the thoughts we want to speak, they express the feelings we hold in and are not “permitted” to speak due to the way society demands we conform. They express the good, bad and ugly we might not have the guts to express due to us just “getting on with living” We have the few who seem bold enough to speak for all of us (well this is what we secretly wish if we are honest or more accurately if we are weak in speaking up for ourselves and expressing our opinion) We might not like to admit it but we gravitate towards the public figures who we feel “represents” our expectations, desires, aspirations, point of view and way of being.

I’m just the same as everyone else though in some ways I am not a big fan of anyone speaking for me. I guess that’s why I became a poet, rapper, singer and blog junky so that I can speak for myself and say what I feel and think. I want to tell my unfolding story in my own words. Most of all I actually do this more to make sense of things in my own head than to be seen and heard by anyone.

Ok I lie, I do like folks reading my stuff, hearing my stuff and giving me feedback, especially the nice kind that makes me feel all nice and validated, is this a weakness? (I sometimes think it is)