I haven't blogged in a while and I think it is because I just don't have the words to express my thoughts and feelings at this time. This year has been deep so far in ways I can't explain.
The only way I have been able to get my feelings out lately is making beats and immersing myself in that. I have been making so many that the words to match all of them haven't come out. So I just leave 'em as instrumental tracks and that is exactly what the song is, a song with no words but it is actually saying something that words can't say.
So what is bothering me? A lot. I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting. It is like a whole re-evaluation is happening inside of me. Someone very close to me was close to death and I think that is having an effect on me. Questions like "what am I meant to be doing?" and "what is success?" and "what have I achieved?" are ringing off in my head. What exactly am I chasing after? what is all this really about?
Sometimes facing up to what your intentions are when doing something isn't as straightforward as it seems. I have been involved in a music scene that is underground and very niche and I feel I have contributed a lot but sometimes I feel that in that scene I am a nobody. In addition to thinking this I then think to myself "when did the aim and intention become about becoming 'somebody'?" wasn't it first all about doing it for the love and joy of doing it? I guess my motives weren't as "pure" as I thought.
I released the song "invincible joy" because somehow through all the emotional turmoil i can say I often felt a joy to be on my journey even if it is very faint sometimes and stronger at other times.
I don't even know why I am writing this now, I think I am doing this to see if I can still write a blog and maybe someone out there will feel they are not alone. Maybe I am really doing this to assure myself I am not alone.
Sometimes words are not enough and that is OK.